An Orphan, a Savior and a Violin

Something amazing happened to me. I took a stroll through my past, and Jesus showed me incredible things. I want to tell you about it.

For the past week at YWAM LA we've had a ministry group called Restoring The Foundations (RTF) training and teaching students and staff at the base. RTF is a prayer ministry where people receive inner healing based on four primary problem areas; Generational Sins, Ungodly Beliefs, Soul/Spirit Hurts and Demonic Oppression. That might sound a little spooky and religious and weird, but all I can do is tell you what I genuinely experienced.

The ministry for addressing past Soul/Spirit Hurts is incredibly powerful. Someone leads you through a prayer process where you ask God to bring you back to a painful memory where He wants to minister. You tell Jesus all of the negative things that you're feeling and ask Him to heal your pains. Then you ask Jesus to take you to Father God, and then you revisit the original memory and see how drastically different it becomes once God has brought healing.

I know this sounds a little crazy. I've grown up in church my entire life and I had no context for something like this. My first reaction was, 'Christian Hypnotism'. But it's not. There's no manipulation. It isn't about the person guiding you through the ministry process at all. It's about seeking God and asking Him to bring healing.

So here's what happened...

I closed my eyes and asked God to bring me back to a painful memory where He wants to bring healing. It was quite a faith-stretcher to ask Him such an open-ended question. I had no idea where this was going. But within moments, He brought me back.

I was 18 years old, back in my bedroom, smoking pot. I need to give a little bit of context. Right before I turned 18 I developed bi-polar disorder, and right after I graduated high school I became very rebellious. I abandoned my relationship with God and got wrapped up in drugs and partying.  This cycle of depression and rebellion continued for 3 years and only ended when I came to YWAM LA to do my DTS. Long story short.

So back to my room...

There I am, smoking and listening to music. Up late, all alone. I felt good. It felt good to be doing what I wanted to do. But at the same time it felt a little wrong. I felt lonely. Why do I have to be alone and acting in secret to be having fun and trying to feel free? I felt rebellious. Then I asked Jesus to come into my memory...

There He was in the middle of the room, sitting on a chair and playing violin. He was so peaceful and so loving. So content. Just playing His beautiful song. It felt great to have Him there. I could feel Him ministering to me through the music. So then I decided to give all my negative emotions and hurtful feelings to Him. Without a second thought He took my pains and placed them on the violin strings, and they were effortlessly absorbed into the song. He took all my pain and made something beautiful out of it. It was all part of His song.

Then I asked Him to take me to the Father...

Suddenly we were outside of my bedroom window on the roof, staring up at the moon. This was significant. Growing up, I used to always lay on a hill across from my house and peer up at the moon. As a kid, that's how I felt connected to God. Just me and Him. So Jesus took me back to that feeling, and He made it better than ever. It wasn't just me staring up into the universe dreaming of God. The Son of God Himself was right there beside me, and we admired the beauty of the Father together.

Then I went back to visit the orignal memory and see how it had changed...

Jesus was there, still peacefully playing the violin. I was at the window staring out at the moon. But something was still wrong. My back was turned to Jesus. We weren't connecting. That's when God told me that I had an Orphan Spirit. The Orphan Spirit is something that I've heard taught about many times before, but it's never been anything that I would suspect myself of struggling with. I have two amazing and loving parents. I'm not an orphan. But that's what God said. I realized then that I've spent most of my life feeling alone. Even when I was in seasons of having a good relationship with God, there were parts of myself that weren't fully open to Him, and long stretches of road that I chose to walk alone. But I've never ever been alone. God has always, always been there. Jesus had always had my back. Jesus had always been by my side. So He decided to show me just how strong and personal His love was for me.

He handed me a violin...

I was overcome with joy. I laughed and laughed. My mind was blown. The person guiding me through the ministry asked me what was going on, but I couldn't answer for a long time. I just laughed and laughed. Jesus couldn't have made a more powerful statement of His love towards me. He was inviting me into His song. But it wasn't a matter of His song and my song anymore. It was our song. I was forgiven. I was healed. I was loved, and nothing on Heaven or on Earth could undo that love. My back wasn't turned anymore. We were together. We were playing our love song.

Now I can go back to that memory, and I can't focus on the pain. I can think of that entire dark season of my life, and I see something new. I see all of my brokenness and shame taken into the hands of Jesus and weaved into our song. And it's a really good song. It's a love song.

This is a true story. God is crazy, and His love for us is crazy. He is my Healer, and He can be yours as well. He's dying to show you how much He loves you...